i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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