she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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