Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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