I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Randomize
