Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
