Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
