I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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