meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We need to get me chipped asap
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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