My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
