just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
