i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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