this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
