new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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