you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
