I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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