Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You know, be my cock's hype man.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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