Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
