If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
