My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
