too bad you live with your parents still
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
