Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize