Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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