only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
