my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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