I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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