marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
