Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
