Already got asked if we're dating
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
