My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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