I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I have peed in a lot of sinks
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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