You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
