I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
