so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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