No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
