she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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