i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
