U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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