Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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