So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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