Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
