can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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