The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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