she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
