I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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