O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
God, I missed his penis.
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