If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
