New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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