I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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