I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
