I met the friendliest cop last night
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
