I CAN MOONWALK!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Too much gin, very little bucket
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
