Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
