$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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