Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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