I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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