I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
