She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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