My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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