My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
