Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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