There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
