I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
