he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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