Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
